The Dark Side of the Sun
by Chuchi Otaku
Summary: Because it's my job to be happy. And my bros won't know how to handle it when I'm not.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own TMNT. As of now, they're Nickelodeon's.

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 **The Dark Side of the Sun**

Universe: TMNT 2012, set before Annihilation Earth

Pairings: brief mentions of Leo/Karai, Donnie/April

Warnings: Mild swearing, mild spoilers for TMNT 2012 seasons 1-3 up to Wrath of Tiger Claw

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They call me the wild one. The baby turtle, the bundle of boundless energy who is too noisy for anyone's good.

(And the one bad guys love so much I'm always the bait.)

It's cool and all because, _duh_ , that's Totally me. With a capital T!

I'm the jokester of the family, and yeah sometimes (most of the time) I suck at it. Despite what my bros think, I know I'm not as funny as I pretend to think I am. But I sure can do better than all three of them combined. Leave the laughs to them and we're all doomed with something Captain Ryan-ish (Leo), borderline rude with knucklehead sandwiches in between (Raph) or a one way trip to science-y snoozefest (Don).

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. And yeah, it IS tough. You try to be happy all the time, you'll see it takes a lotta work.

No, not that I'm complaining. Just saying that it is.

Humor is one of genius' forgotten babies! It's not easy coming up with the next good joke or prank. Though yeah, most of mine always involve water balloons (don't ask where I keep 'em. You wouldn't wanna know). Never gets old, especially when it comes to Raph. His face can go as red as his mask, did you know? Suh-weet!

Sorry, where was I?

Right, the tough job.

Everyone just thinks I'm naturally happy all the time. And, actually, yeah, I usually am. Tell a joke and I'm usually the first to get a good laugh. Toss a slice of pizza my way and chances are, you'll be the one to make my day.

But sometimes, because of that, my bros forget that I got feelings too. Feelings that are more than just happy ones.

I know they don't mean to—I really do—but sometimes, they say stuff or do things that _really_ hurt.

I get that I'm not the smartest one and that I've got an attention span of a goldfish (Donnie said it once, and I believe him because, hello, it's Donnie! He knows everything!) I goof off a lot with or without meaning to, always push the wrong button and make things worse just by being there.

Just because I'm a goof doesn't mean I don't remember things. Things that I wish I didn't but I always do. (Photog memory sucks that way)

Again, I know they never meant to hurt me. For all of Leo's frustration, Raph's fits of anger and Donnie's annoyance at me, they aren't terrible bros.

They're the best, I swear.

If it were anyone else, after all the trouble I've put them through, they'd leave me behind without so much as a good riddance.

My bros are awesome and I love them to death. Which is why it hurts so, _so damn_ much when they make me feel like I'm the no-good letdown.

Like that time when we went to rescue April's dad from the Kraang. Leo said I was staying with Donnie because he didn't want me. Donnie wanted to pass me to Raph because he didn't either. Then Raph said that he'd have me…over his dead body.

The beatings I got from Shredder afterwards hurt far less compared to what was said that day.

They never knew how bad it was for me—salted glass on a gaping wound all the way down as my plastron and _by God it burns!_ —because they never figured how much sleep I've lost over it. I bet they don't even remember what happened. They just threw out their leftover trash that they then forgot they had the next day.

But their trash became my nightmares, trying to force out the tears that I would never let myself shed. I'd bury my head on my pillow, bite my lip and inner cheek to the point I bled rather than let them all out.

As much as there are times when I wish I could gripe or explode, to tell them that I also feel like lashing out, because yes, their words can and do hurt, I can't. Because it's my job to be happy. And my bros won't know how to handle it when I'm not.

They'll look at me like I'm a pathetic stranger— _who are you and what have you done to our brother?—_ and I don't need more reasons for them to not _really_ want me any more than they already do.

I can see myself dancing on the edge of still being their brother and them finally having enough and cutting me off the team.

It's a hard place to be—on one, I could push them over the edge and be without my bros forever. On the other, I could change but where would that leave me? The real me? And how would they handle it?

I knew how put out Leo was when I could actually be all together in Dimension X. I don't really want to be the leader, but a turtle can't help wanting to be the dependable one for once. That part of me that wanted to prove to my family that I can be an awesome ninja too.

I guess it's because Leo's been the leader for so long, it doesn't sit right with him when someone else is doing his job. I want to tell him that the top turtle job is all his, but that'll open the can of worms that should not exist so I let him know in other ways. Like not questioning his every decision like Raph usually or Donnie sometimes does.

Raph, he'd probably think it's a bluff. And once he finds that it's not, eh, I don't know. Maybe it'll freak him out? Or say something along the lines of "It's about damn time," like the happy me was a mistake.

Like who I am now is a mistake.

He's the one who has the shortest fuse when it comes to me and my jokes. I'd like to think that at least some part of him will be happy that I'm not pulling pranks on him anymore. But then who'll keep him from blowing up on someone who would mind and my antics aren't there to distract him?

And Donnie? Well, I'd _like_ to think that Donnie's my best friend, but I don't know if he thinks I'm his. Back when we were tots, we used to tell each other everything, even though I don't get half of what he used to say. Now, eh, maybe not anymore since he's all over April whenever he's not busy in his lab or yelling at me for messing it up. (I can't help it! Shiny things are just _begging_ to be touched!)

Wait, where was I again?

Right, Donnie's reaction? Must be because of his need for everything to be in order, but Donnie's always second guessing me. Like he can't believe that I'm more than just a bonehead. Like the time I figured out that the Kraang's goal was to mutate the planet (a good guess, really, but I still called it right!) Donnie's exact reaction, and I quote, "I don't know what's scarier, what you just said or you said it!"

Two words: photographic memory.

And out of all of them, I think Master Splinter would be pleased. He's always going on about me not being focused enough and laughing everything off too easily. I sometimes wish I could tell him that it's the only way I could keep these bad thoughts from taking over me.

Master Splinter always said I had a big heart, maybe that's why I feel too much of both the good and the bad.

I do get angry whenever my bros say or make me feel that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a big screw up (quoting you, Raph!) and I never do anything right.

I do get scared because their harsh words never really go away—damn you, photog memory!—and the fact that they might one day have enough of me scares me more than Squirrelanoids and Shredder tag team on me.

I do get frustrated whenever Leo blames himself for every little thing, when he gives me that disappointed look because I screwed up again (surprise!) and when at times it felt like Karai was everything that mattered (never mind that I got a shell knocked loose!)

Whenever Raph picks a fight with Leo for whatever reason, when he punches the dummy till his knuckles are skinned because of a temper he couldn't control or because he's more like Leo than he would admit in a way that he also has self-blame junk stuck there somewhere because he's a marshmallow plushy way deep in that shell.

And whenever Donnie locks himself in his lab as if there's nothing more important in the world than his inventions or April, when he started to talk a lot more than he would listen.

Then there's hate. Yes, I _**do**_ feel hate. I hate at myself for feeling all these things. Hate that I can never be good enough for my family no matter how hard I try. Hate that I can only show them the happy side because I cannot bear what them hating me for having all these twisted—greasy, grimy, mucky, ghastly— thoughts.

I lock all these feelings away, in the deepest, darkest corners of my too big and squishy of a heart where I hope it won't get out. Maybe if I keep it there and stop thinking about it, it'll fizzle out the way fire would because there's no more wood. I still smell the stench, but under heaps of cheery thoughts, they stay buried throughout the day.

(Night time's a different story, but that one doesn't matter)

I'll keep that smile on my face, spout out the corny jokes, the water balloons and the dumb questions, and dance and jump around as if I don't have a care in the world.

Because it's my job to be the happy one. It's a job I take very seriously, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I screw that up.

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 **A/N:** Yo! I've been a fan of the 2003 turtles for a long time, but I've fallen so quickly in love with the 2012 version (I blame Greg Cipes and his version of Mikey for this) that them plot bunnies just won't leave me be!

I've done my best to keep my favorite turtle, Mikey as IC as I can so please forgive me if it's not up to par. I'll appreciate all comments and polite criticism. Flames will be sent the Shredder's way.

Edited the story so that the notes are on the bottom ala AO3 style. And some minor tweaks. :)


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